Phantom Blonde

I love my Army job

2009-01-21T11:39:00.001-08:00

It's not because I get to interview high-profile musicians who come to post, like John Michael Montgomery and Chris Cagle and Tim McGraw.

It's not because I got to meet Joe Galloway.

It's not because I got to tell the former Abu Ghraib commanding general on my cell phone, "I can't talk right now, I have a ren faire to run."

It's not because I get to rub elbows with commanding generals.

It's not because I get to watch the great PT testosterone fest of masculine hotness every morning as I drive on post.

It's not because gas on post is criminally cheap.

It's not because I work in a building so high-tech we have a bird's eye view of anywhere in Iraq and our toilets flush automatically.

No.

It's because I get to come to work and watch our arrogant, hubris-laden, geekier-than-thou IT twerp from our parent company set his own ass on fire trying to lay phone lines for our fax machine underneath our floor.

Yep. I love my job.

By the by...it is not wise to back your butt up to an open electrical outlet when you have a Gerber tool in your back pocket. I'm just sayin'...

Dumb REDHEAD

2008-12-30T16:51:00.000-08:00

Minding my own business, hanging out at my boyfriend's house when the doorbell rings.

*ding dong!*

I open the door. A plump young redhead stands there with a daft smile.

"Hi! I'm earning personality points!"

WTF?

She's selling magazines. She makes a dumb blonde comment about herself (hello NOT blonde, dumbass!!!), then says, "Whoops! Guess I just blew a sale!"

me: "Yeah. Ya did, sweetheart."

her: "So what do you do for a living?"

me: "I'm a college professor, a newspaper reporter and an entertainment director, all of which require a wicked, bad-assed brain. Or do you need me to talk slower?"

her: "but...but.."

me: "buh-bye."

Jeebus Cripes....Stereotype, much?

Is it because I'm...blonde???

2008-12-23T10:47:00.000-08:00

I may be making the jump from print back to TV. Unofficial word to me: "we'd like to use you on camera too."

Me. In my early 40s.

Oh. Hell. YEAH!!!

...not bragging or anything...would never do that....

A blonde joke I actually like

2008-12-01T16:34:00.000-08:00

A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

Enraged

2008-11-30T12:33:00.001-08:00

As I watch this, I am beginning to feel a white hot seething rage creeping up. No one should be this unabashedly stupid...and so very proud of it.

This woman is NOT a true blonde anyway. True blonde is not one flat yellow color. It does not bear a resemblance to yellow cotton candy as does her hair. True blondes don't normally have brown eyes. The skin tone is also all wrong for a natural blonde.

I suspect this is a brunette masquerading as a blonde. The truly "dumb blondes" usually are.

I can understand not remembering a thing from high school algebra. But simple geography? Come on!

No one can possibly be THIS stupid and function in the real world, can they?

Hot, hooker, coke, clap, deflower, ball, knocker and nuts

2008-11-28T13:50:00.000-08:00

My favorite blonde, Vera Carp

Blondesville

2008-11-28T12:53:00.000-08:00

One thing I’ve noticed is that when women want to really “shred” you, they attack your being blonde first.

“Bleach blonde” apparently is supposed to be an insult among women. As if coloring one’s hair blonde is somehow shameful. I’ve never heard anyone accuse a brunette of being a “brunette-out-of-the-bottle bitch” or a “fake red-head”. Nope. The slam is always anti-blonde.

I’ve also had my share of men asking if I’m really blonde. And we all know what THAT’S about. (Oh please…I wish men would grow up!)

I went brunette once. Once. It didn’t look good or natural. And I learned that my eyebrows are actually MUCH lighter than they appeared against my blondeness.

I’m not a “bleached blonde.” I like to think of it as “enhanced” blonde. I’m naturally blonde, although I’m darker than I used to be.

I think all the vitriol is lobbed at us because, secretly, being blonde equates with some kind of mystery and power that those with low self-esteem just can’t handle. Wanna know if someone has core feelings of inadequacy? Listen to the insults they hurl and you'll know.

Blonde jokes

2008-11-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

After getting shredded by a female reader about my "bleach blonde tresses," I've started following this blog: Undercover Blonde.

Yeah..umm...I'm not apologizing for being blonde. I'm naturally blonde anyway; I just "enhance" my blonde from dark to light.

I went brunette once about 8 years ago. Briefly. It is not who I am.

I HATE blonde jokes. They hurt and cut just as much as other negative humor. Don't believe me? Try substituting "blonde" with an ethnic group such as "African-American" or "Polish" or "Jewish" or "Gay".

Not as funny, is it?

Nope, if the jokes were about anyone else, people would be all up in arms about it. But somehow, it's okay to tear apart blonde women.

WHY?

Go think about that for a bit and then get back to me.

In the beginning...

2008-11-28T11:57:00.000-08:00

Here goes. The first blog of the Phantom Blonde. Here I will record "blonde observations" on what it's like to live "golden".